The Reverend Doctor’s Beauty Secrets

Clearly, Gentle Reader, I am far too pretty to be allowed. Just look at this, if you don’t believe me:


This is why I am very modest, and why I wear veils, scarves, and other concealing gear: I am just too damned gorgeous. But wait, Gentle Reader – I’m sure that you can be just as terrifyingly beautiful, if only you’d follow a few simple steps!

1. Never go into the sun unprotected. Ever. Put on sunscreen, then put on your veil (it should be down, to shade your face, if you’re going outside, or to a sunny window) and then grab your parasol. If you think that this is too extreme, then I hope you enjoy your skin cancer.


2. Smoke a cigarette while you think about all the people with their skin cancer. Sigh.

3. Have a bloody mary. Make sure that you use the last of the pickled asparagus, because you need the jar. Wash the jar, and then top off your bloody mary with extra vodka. Yum.

4. Make sure that the jar smells like neither asparagus nor pickles. Have another bloody mary.

Bloody Maries

5. Forget what you were doing for a while, because making a bloody mary takes like ten minutes. Have another bloody mary.

6. Remember what you were doing, and fill the asparagus jar about one-third full of lemon juice. Fill it the rest of the way with cold water. Finish off the garlic-stuffed olives, because they’re damned delicious.

7. Make a grocery list that your roommates won’t be able to read or understand on the back of the front door. Have another bloody mary. Consider switching to vodka cran because you’re getting full.

8. Put milk on your face. First, pour about a teacup full of milk; this is a week-long supply. Using a paper towel, cover your entire face in milk – just slop it on, liberally. Allow to dry. Do not speak or have emotions for the next fifteen minutes. Look at your bloody mary, and realize that if you sip it, it will crack the damned milk. Wish you could sigh.


9. Fifteen minutes later, wipe the milk off your face with a fresh paper towel dipped into the lemon water that’s in the asparagus jar. Be liberal with the lemon water, too. Be careful around sideburns or mustaches, etc. If you have any blemishes or sores, make sure that a. you didn’t put milk on it, because then we’re talking a huge skin infection and this is supposed to be a beauty guide, and b. that you put extra lemon water on it, which will burn like a fucking disease-spreading jerk in hell, because it’s a natural astringent.

10. Find your bloody mary. Wash the lemon water off your face with regular water. Add some of your lemon water to the bloody mary because you’re curious. Take a sip. Cringe. Discretely dab the bloody mary mixture off your chin where you spat it in surprise.

11. Abandon the bloody mary. Finish the bottle of vodka. Look like this, via magic:


About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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6 Responses to The Reverend Doctor’s Beauty Secrets

  1. ekgo says:

    Damn. No wonder you’re so beautiful. And unemployed. Because that regimen takes a long time and makes it very difficult to get to work in an orderly (and sober) fashion. But at least you’re getting your daily dose of vitamin C, both inside and out and you look lovely. Looking good trumps paychecks.
    On a serious note, have you seen The Japanese Skincare Revolution book?
    It’s pretty fun, actually. Noelle and I like to pretend we’re going to do some of these skincare things, though we haven’t yet.

    • Tyler J. Yoder says:

      If you skip the bloody Marys and use jars that you already have, then it takes twenty minutes and is the only thing that’s ever worked for my skin. Not only do I turn various shades of lobster, and not only does a stiff breeze cut my fragile skin, but it’s oily, and having wrinkles and acne at the same time is just vexing.

      I have not, but you can make a bet that I’ll be checking it out. 🙂

      • ekgo says:

        Reeeeallly? This regimen works for oily skin? Because my skin is like an oil slick after a pipeline ruptured. Every day. And I have grown into rosacea because I am getting old and I’ve been trying to find a way to keep this from happening to me but the only thing that works, so far, is the MetroGel that the doctor prescribed. And I am terrible shape right now because I just finished my housesitting job and they have soft water and it wrecked my face. I look like a Faces Of Meth.
        So I think I shall try your routine. 20 minutes is way too long for me to deal with my face but I will try it anyway if it will make me as pretty as you.

  2. Pingback: Post the Sixty-Eighth: In which I fulfill a promise: Part II | Whimsical Adventures of the Reverend Doctor

  3. Pingback: Post the Thirty-Eighth: Beauty Secrets of the Reverend Doctor: Eternal Youth Edition | Whimsical Adventures of the Reverend Doctor

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