I’m not just talking about my closeted attempts at heterosexuality, either – although neither of those went very well. In my defense, I was very young, insecure, and hated being touched. Both of these “relationships” were over very quickly – for some reason, refusing to do anything more than hold hands just isn’t what the ladies want. After a week with Miss Wong and a month with Miss Ward, I realized that wooing women just wasn’t my way.
Fast forward many, many years – years in which I was not only out, but actively involved with the Ex-Husband. During one of our innumerable separations, I ended up dating… Miss K.
The reasons were many, but the primary motivations were mirth and malice. We had a mutual friend who was irrationally jealous of our closeness – to the point of creepy obsession. The day we began dating, we took her to dinner to announce our decision. It didn’t actually stop her frankly insane behavior, but it was very gratifying to see her face when B realized that she wasn’t the girl who could turn me†.
Further, K and I had been the only two queers involved with Coven Wolf/Clan Wolfenstein/ The Jemily crew, and we were well aware that despite their progressive talk of tolerance and respect, they were actively uncomfortable being around anything outside their comfort blanket of heteronormativity – they made it perfectly clear. K and I went full June and Ward Cleaver on them, our behavior exactly opposite to our usual ways.
They were thrilled with our little charade, and ecstatic that we were “finally able to be [our] true selves.” We laughed it off and reverted to type.
Despite being a complete farce, the time I spent dating Miss K has got to be one of the most fulfilling, successful relationships I’ve ever had. She still makes an excellent partner – in crime.
* A platinum gay is born via c-section, and has never ever even once seen or touched a vagina. You’re welcome.
† This may seem cruel. It probably is cruel. However, I think that years of delusional demands, stalking, and being constantly cornered for highly emotional and highly unnecessary talks are also cruel, and being nice hadn’t gotten them to stop. For the record, being cruel didn’t get them to stop, either – the only thing that has is actively refusing to see the person in question, at all, ever, for any reason, even in group settings. She still tries.