In Which I Apparently Date Girls

What topsy-turvy bizarro world is this, Gentle Reader? Though not quite a platinum gay*, I am very nearly a solid six on the Kinsey Scale. What on earth would I be doing dating a woman?

I’m not just talking about my closeted attempts at heterosexuality, either – although neither of those went very well. In my defense, I was very young, insecure, and hated being touched. Both of these “relationships” were over very quickly – for some reason, refusing to do anything more than hold hands just isn’t what the ladies want. After a week with Miss Wong and a month with Miss Ward, I realized that wooing women just wasn’t my way.

Girls2    Girls1

Fast forward many, many years – years in which I was not only out, but actively involved with the Ex-Husband. During one of our innumerable separations, I ended up dating… Miss K.

The reasons were many, but the primary motivations were mirth and malice.  We had a mutual friend who was irrationally jealous of our closeness – to the point of creepy obsession. The day we began dating, we took her to dinner to announce our decision. It didn’t actually stop her frankly insane behavior, but it was very gratifying to see her face when B realized that she wasn’t the girl who could turn me†.

Further, K and I had been the only two queers involved with Coven Wolf/Clan Wolfenstein/ The Jemily crew, and we were well aware that despite their progressive talk of tolerance and respect, they were actively uncomfortable being around anything outside their comfort blanket of heteronormativity – they made it perfectly clear. K and I went full June and Ward Cleaver on them, our behavior exactly opposite to our usual ways.

Halloween4

They were thrilled with our little charade, and ecstatic that we were “finally able to be [our] true selves.” We laughed it off and reverted to type.

Despite being a complete farce, the time I spent dating Miss K has got to be one of the most fulfilling, successful relationships I’ve ever had. She still makes an excellent partner – in crime.

*********

* A platinum gay is born via c-section, and has never ever even once seen or touched a vagina. You’re welcome.

† This may seem cruel. It probably is cruel. However, I think that years of delusional demands, stalking, and being constantly cornered for highly emotional and highly unnecessary talks are also cruel, and being nice hadn’t gotten them to stop. For the record, being cruel didn’t get them to stop, either – the only thing that has is actively refusing to see the person in question, at all, ever, for any reason, even in group settings. She still tries.

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About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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13 Responses to In Which I Apparently Date Girls

  1. k says:

    We so should have taken bets before we broke up our incredibly meaningful relationship. This lack of foresight on our part fills me with intense bitter regret, from which I have not recovered. HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND

    • Tyler J. Yoder says:

      MAYBE WE SHOULD DATE AGAIN! You know, so that we can make money off of it. It’s a pretty solid plan.

      • k says:

        We would probably require some new rubes – although, we could always have a bet with each other on how many times we can deceive our acquaintances. Of course, playing against each other sort of defeats the purpose.

      • k says:

        Unless I am for sure going to win. I need cash to ease my suffering more than you do, because I am shorter and misery has been proven to occupy the bloodstream, and your misery has more room to travel around, smell the roses, get a quick stretch. THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT

  2. I had never heard of a “platinum” gay before, despite living in the homosexual capital of Los Angeles County (yes there is one), second in California only to San Diego. And as for any kind of scale, sexuality is way more complicated than politicians and June and Ward would have us believe…or that’s what I tell myself.
    As always, educational AND entertaining, my favorite combo.

    • Tyler J. Yoder says:

      Thank you so much, Natalie! I do my best. ❤

      The Kinsey Scale has been proven to be ridiculously limited, it's true, but more people have heard of it that the various spectrums and so on that've sprung up since it's been debunked. I use it as a sort of short-hand, these days.

      I hadn't heard of "platinum" gays either, until this year – a new acquaintance, at a wedding, filled me in, after learning that I'd been born by c-section.

  3. selkielady says:

    I love this story!! It’s great. ❤

    • Tyler J. Yoder says:

      Thanks! Honestly, I’ve been racking my brain for content, lately – I still have a lot of stories, but many of the ones that I’ve got don’t exactly show me in a flattering light. I was a little worried about this post. 😀

  4. batnette says:

    Love learning new phrases!!!

  5. Karen says:

    I found myself in way younger days, the better half to a closeted gay friend (of course I did not know at the time). Living in the south as we were, he was trying his best to not be who he knew deep down he really was, so in his mind if a heterosexual relationship were to work with anyone, it would be with me. I found all this out years later, and found that sentiment very flattering but I always felt more comfortable with us as friends and we were better that way. We reconnected online, and he told me “the news” which I was pretty much aware of and we get along swimmingly. It pains me that he went through so much as we grew up that I didn’t know about, and he was too afraid to tell anyone – even me. Your story reminds me a bit of his, albeit yours is way funnier and you grew up in I’m sure a more progressive area than we.
    I too appreciate new phrases, I’ve never heard “platinum gay” myself but look at where I live. We’ve come a long way here, but not far enough as far as I’m concerned. Love ya Ty 🙂

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