I know that tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, Gentle Reader, and I know that you’re terribly busy reading all the year-end lists that seek to sum up the Best Vegetable of 2013 or whatever, but I would like to offer you something a little different.
Oh, who the hell am I trying to fool? This is exactly the same sort of thing, just filtered through my strange little worldview. And also, it’s about me. It’s time for the…
Best Thing Ever: Uh, I attempted to rap? It went like this:
I might be in an old cardigan
but I have more élan
than the Empress of Japan.
The best part of the best thing in January? When I stopped rapping.
Worst Thing Ever: My Uncle George’s funeral. Actually, I enjoyed myself rather a lot – it was in a beautiful location, my cousin George played and sang for his father – the bar was open before the service; the buffet was top-notch with acres of seafood and high-quality everything. As funerals go, it was wonderful –
I just miss my uncle, quite a lot.
Best Thing Ever:
I started writing for money I got a job, online, writing freelance at some of the copy-mills. I also discovered that I am terrible at being my own boss. Also also, this happened:
Worst Thing Ever: I actually have enemies, that actually
want to stab my eyes and then punch me to death loathe me. This was confirmed during a run-in at a party; I had not seen the people in question in more than a year, and their vitriol … was intense. Yup. Enemies; I have them.
Best Thing Ever: All of facebook and most of twitter supported Marriage Equality? Hooray for
Worst Thing Ever: Um, being chased out of the place we were renting? By this guy?
I know, the fella’s a complete buffoon (as well as a complete ass, and a complete idiot) but he had our landlord under some weird sort of mind-control zombie-spell. Or something.
Best Thing Ever: I submitted some poems to a magazine, and some of them were accepted? And then I got to go to a poetry reading where they were read? It felt pretty awesome.
Worst Thing Ever: Due to the whole being-under-seige thing in March, we had to move. My leg had sort of stopped working for the most part, and I was the most able-bodied of the household at the time, and we had to move.
Still – we found a new place to live, and it wasn’t under an overpass. Win!
Best Thing Ever: We held the last Paisley Parliament that I will ever preside over, and Miss Ward flew in from out of the country to attend. Well, she was also coming home, but I got to see her. Parliament was held in lieu of a housewarming, or of a birthday party.
Worst Thing Ever: While Miss Ward was visiting, I had a complete and utter mental and emotional breakdown. In front of her. She’d been out of the country for years, and I was reduced to a sobbing, booze-soaked mess. Definitely the nadir of the year.
However, it did prompt the mad voyage I’m embarking on, so there’s that.
Best Thing Ever: There’s a lot to choose from – I worked/attended a wedding, learned a little bit about being on the road, had Victoria Elizabeth Barnes comment on my blog,attended some truly marvelous parties. I am going to go with this year’s Seattle Pride, despite almost dying, because it’s always a delight staying with my aunt and uncle Stone.
Worst Thing Ever: A very dear friend of mine moved to Arizona for reasons. Despite just having moved within walking distance of her house a month or two before she left, I only saw her once. At her going away party. So while it was fantastic, A’s going away party counts as the worst thing of June. Because I’m a bad friend.
Best Thing Ever: Downing a bottle of
wine courage and deciding, at eleven o’clock one night, that I was going to release some poetry into the wild. The result was the first edition of Patchwork Narrative. (The e-book is still available, guys – much like myself. There’s also the print version.)
Worst Thing Ever: Uh, hello? THERE IS A TWO-HEADED SHARK FETUS, and I still don’t own it. This is an ongoing situation.
Best Thing Ever: At the Renaissance Faire, we showed up with no booze and no budget – and our encampment is famous for the generosity of our fully portable open bar. Donations of cash and bottles of booze came flooding in, from people who’d partaken over the years. I actually cried over that.
Worst Thing Ever: I lost six years of my life through discovering Pinterest. Also, I really pissed off a good friend over a total non-issue.
Best Thing Ever: Okay, really this happened at the end of August, but I loved him a lot. Dudebat is totally a thing that I made up, and he’s great.
Worst Thing Ever: Trying to get “What Does The Fox Say?” out of your head.
Best Thing Ever: Probably my kickin’ raven costume. There aren’t enough men’s sexy costumes, y’all, so I decided to make one – if I had a better chest, you’d be able to see it. As it is, I went with bare arms, and also with punches.
Worst Thing Ever: Probably the whole Sally Mae debacle. If you weren’t around for it, I’m not talking about the loan cartel that screws everyone over; I’m talking about a troll who claims to know me in real life – and my step-grandmother, Lillian. Sally Mae dug up some posts I’d made back in January or February, when my family was engaged in a sort of civil war – and threw it in my face. I wrote a response to Sally Mae’s comments, and the whole thing just got out of hand. Post the Thirtieth remains my most-viewed post, even surpassing the one with Amanda Palmer’s tits in. Also, I know that Sally – or someone like her – is still sending people to see it, because I can see what refers people to this blog, you guys. Also, someone keeps trying to look it up, using ask.com – which lets me see exactly what people are looking for, typos and all.
*ahem*. Anyway, worst thing ever, in October.
Best Thing Ever: Seeing people with actual copies of my actual book was pretty ace.
Worst Thing Ever: I read this headline – “Artist Nails His Own Testicles To The Ground In Front Of Horrified Tourists.” And then I read the article. Gross.
Best Thing Ever: I really don’t quite know. I fell back in love with humanity this month. Not only that, but the holiday season is always an avalanche of parties, ballets, balls, and other festive claptrap, and I’m still sorting through the sensations – I probably won’t catch up until at least March. I’m going to go ahead and say Uncle Syn’s housewarming party, because I’m still mooning over the fella I met that night. Bam.
Worst Thing Ever: Uh, quitting smoking. Even though I’m cheating and using a vaporizer, it’s still super rough. Not punching-babies-in-the-place-where-their-teeth-will-grow rough, but it’s up there.
That’s it, kids – the Best and Worst Everything of 2013. Have a happy new year!