Gentle Reader, we all have days when we feel we’re not looking our best. Or sometimes, no matter what we do, no matter how much we try, nothing will convince us that we don’t look like some kind of horrible little goblin.
You probably thought that, short of a permanent veil, that nothing will help on days like that – but with just a few of my patented* tricks, you’ll be able to face being in public in no time!
Step One: Hide your eyes. Seriously, this’ll allow you to avoid making eye contact, which will make you feel less self-conscious about your hideousness. Plus, sunglasses hide almost an entire third of your face.
Step Two: Hide your hair. A large, ridiculous hat does three things:
- It hides your awful hair
- It makes your freakishly large head look smaller
- It draws people’s attention away from your strangely terrifying skin
Step Three: Turtlenecks. And gloves. Basically, cover up everything that you can decently get away with.
Step Four: Actually, cover what you can’t get away with. Cover everything.
Step Five: Fuck it. Stay home and hide your horrible goblin face.
* Not actually patented. Yet.