Beauty Secrets of the Reverend Doctor: Horrible Goblin Edition

Gentle Reader, we all have days when we feel we’re not looking our best. Or sometimes, no matter what we do, no matter how much we try, nothing will convince us that we don’t look like some kind of horrible little goblin.

Goblin Shark

You probably thought that, short of a permanent veil, that nothing will help on days like that – but with just a few of my patented* tricks, you’ll be able to face being in public in no time!


Step One: Hide your eyes. Seriously, this’ll allow you to avoid making eye contact, which will make you feel less self-conscious about your hideousness. Plus, sunglasses hide almost an entire third of your face.


Step Two: Hide your hair. A large, ridiculous hat does three things:

  • It hides your awful hair
  • It makes your freakishly large head look smaller
  • It draws people’s attention away from your strangely terrifying skin


Step Three: Turtlenecks. And gloves. Basically, cover up everything that you can decently get away with.


You can stop here, if you wish. However, purists use steps 4 and 5 to great effect.

Step Four: Actually, cover what you can’t get away with. Cover everything.


Step Five: Fuck it. Stay home and hide your horrible goblin face.



* Not actually patented. Yet.

About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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5 Responses to Beauty Secrets of the Reverend Doctor: Horrible Goblin Edition

  1. Really?! a Goblin Shark?

  2. linnetmoss says:

    Hilarious. I guess the quick-acting alternative is to put a bag over one’s head.

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