In Which My Fears Are Revealed

Okay, Gentle Reader, I need to tell you something. Full disclosure:

I am fucking terrified of the trip I’m about to take. However, I know that if I don’t go, I will probably die. My life was out of my control, going some pretty dark places – Europe has been a beacon of hope, giving me something to strive for, something to aim for, something to live for – I’ve regained at least some control; I have a plan, a direction, and a positive answer, for once, when I’m asked what I’m doing with my life.

Europe

This. This is what I’m doing.

And yet –

I know that adventures sometimes mean that you don’t know where you’re going to sleep, but I’ve never had that experience for more than a few nights at a time. Apart from a few scattered nights that are already arranged, that’s going to be the case for the next year or so. I’ve never really been homeless before, and even though I’m doing this on purpose, and it’s actually a positive thing, it’s rather overwhelming.

Not only that, Maman is selling off my childhood home – I completely support this; she’s a widow, on her own, and Arvingdale is a big property that is crumbling around her. It’s in bad enough shape that whoever buys it will essentially just be buying the property, and will likely bulldoze the house. Which is fine; I just won’t be here to help her move, or to tell her definitely not to sell my great-great-grandfather’s baleen or things like that.

Not only will I not have a home, but I won’t have a home. And the stuff that keeps me in tune with my ancestral roots is likely to be gone as well.

Basement

All gone.

I’m also, obviously, worried about money. Who isn’t? I have some put away, and I plan on earning while I’m on the road if I can, but obviously travel is expensive and that has been preying on my brain, because of course it is. I’m not worried about money for essentials like food so much as I’m worried about paying for hostels and train tickets and bus fare. I’m fairly sure that tarot readings won’t be earning me that much.

TylerTarot

Uh, there’s also the language issue. My German’s shit, my French is… dodgy, and my Spanish is nonexistent. So that’s a thing. A very significant scary thing, particularly as I’ll be on my own on the road, and not only will I be often lonely, but I won’t even be able to communicate with the people around me, thus reinforcing my loneliness, and fear over being able to make my way about, have a place to sleep, etc.

Oh, hey, that reminds me: I will also not have a place to retreat to when in the throes of crippling depression, which is a thing that happens – well, not that often, but often enough that I need to worry about it. I’ve been wondering how I’m going to cope with that on the road for the last nine months, and I don’t have a clue as to how to answer it.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to being confidant that I can pull this off, that no matter happens, things will work out in the end. Any ideas on how to cope with all this crippling doubt? Most welcome.

About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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10 Responses to In Which My Fears Are Revealed

  1. mousegoddess says:

    *snuggles* The only suggestion I have is to message me regularly so I can remind you of your awesomeness (and allow me to live vicariously through you 😉 )

  2. bernie says:

    I’m pretty sure they’ll have internet access over there and that may alleviate some loneliness, should it make an appearance. So, that’s a plus in your corner.

    Many will be living vicariously through you, and pulling for you to succeed. Which is kinda cool.
    I think you’ll have a blast.

    Who knows, maybe someone will happen by and give you language lessons. 😉

  3. Holly says:

    Tyler! What an adventure! Not that I have moved to Europe but I have moved to Boston from Gig Harbor, kinda the same. (Not the same, I know!) but very different. I didn’t know a soul, I found an apartment on Craigslist, before it was legit, and didn’t have a job. It’s so super scary, it’s hard, the crippling depression will creep up and you will only have yourself to rely on. Lucky for you, you are awesome! The important thing is to remember is it’s temporary, remember your roots and the sadness/loneliness will pass. You get comfortable entertaining yourself and being your own best friend. I learned more about myself in the first 6 months then I ever thought possible. I learned to love my awkwardness, my quirks and became quite fond of my own company (and not giving a shit what others think). During that time of discovery I met the best friends I will ever have and totally cherish every second. You are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime! You’re doing something most people only dream of. Grab life by the balls and own it my friend! Being scared is normal. What’s the saying, “The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.” you’re fabulous, Europe will find you fabulous as well even if it takes you a while to figure it out. Enjoy every second!!! You have many people here rooting you on who are only a few clicks away to lend you an (English) ear and send you some words of encouragement. GOOD LUCK and God speed!

  4. Christy Bristow says:

    You are leaping into adulthood with both feet and then some. I don’t think the language will be a problem. More people speak English than is reasonable to expect. My only suggestion is to buy a round trip ticket, not with a specific date, but to have it bought and paid for when it’s time to come home. It can be your security blanket. We all have one; mine is my pillow, ‘Pillokie’, when I was in the low single digits, now ‘my pillow’. Do not chicken out. You will regret it the rest of your life!

  5. Jeneral Insanity says:

    A: Is that really your damn living room/childhood sprawled out before mine eyes?! I want to go to there! That looks like a marvelous wonderland to me, and I want to play with and own ALL OF THE THINGS!!!

    B: Holy shit-balls, you are SO BRAVE for deciding to do this! I am jealous, and envious, and proud of you, all rolled into one giant ball of emotion that can only be described as: Jealenveroudulous.

    C: YOU’VE GOT THIS!!! Depression be damned, and caution be thrown to the wind as you embark on an amazelous adventure that most of us only dream of being capable to achieve! No matter what the obstacle (be it language, money, etc.), you will find a way to overcome it with your awesomeness and flirty eyelashes.

    D: I love you. WE love you. If ever, at any time, you feel the need to come running back to the states for hugs and shelter, just send up a flag, and we will raise the funds to make it happen. I know it won’t be needed, but the offer is there.

    F: (because E is not a grade anymore) Relax. Breathe. Enjoy. That’s all you’ll need to remember on your journey.

    G: (even though that was never a grade, but comes next alphabetically) If you need someone to look after some of your things with the love and caring that you would (without putting them in a cold, lonely storage unit), send them to me. Especially Veronica! She and her belly full of fake maggots would be well cared for and loved around these parts! 😉

    Love and hugs to you as you venture out into this big, crazy world on this new chapter of your life! ❤

    • <3<3<3 I replied to everyone in a group below, Jeneral – but I had to confess that isn't my ancestral living room – it's the set from the original Addams family TV show, from the sixties. XD

  6. linnetmoss says:

    You aren’t taking into account all the amazing things you will experience on this trip! You’re going to love it. Just think of all us envious folk out there…

  7. Thank you so much, everyone – I’ve been really stressing out this week, and I thought the best thing was to get it all out in the open, instead of keeping it to myself and letting it fester. The outpouring of love that I woke up to this morning means more than you guys will ever know. Thank you all!

    This trip has to happen, because living here is, quite simply, killing me. Change is scary, but I need this to happen, because if it doesn’t, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. So I can’t back out of this trip no matter what. I’m just worried – which is good, because if I wasn’t worried, I don’t think I’d be human.

    I love you all, and I really want you to know how much your kindness means right now. ❤

  8. lindsey says:

    I know I’ve been pretty absent for quite some time, but I wanted to show my support, as well. This is a scary and wonderful thing you’re doing, and you will change and grow enormously, I have no doubt. Keep in touch, as I live in Germany and am going through a rather large transition in my life, too. Maybe we can get a coffee and talk about how grand change is 🙂 I’ll treat.

  9. Lynn says:

    SOOO many people in Europe speak excellent English (at least in Germany they did), so the language barrier shouldnt really be that much of a barrier. Keep your chin up, my friend!

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