Are you or a loved having trouble coping with someone else’s bisexuality? Perhaps a lover, a sister, a parent? NEVER FEAR! As a cisgender, white gay man, I’m a fully licensed Certified Ambassador for the entire QUILTBAG community, as well as a member in good standing of the Federation of Anti-Heteronormative Gentlemen.
Naturally, a person with my qualifications has a duty to help straight folk understand all the facets of our rainbow, and with all the confusion people seem to have with bisexuals, I thought I’d use my expertise to clarify in this handy, definitive, guide. So, for once and for all, I give you:
There is a lot of misinformation out there – approximately 96% of the straight community believes that anyone who cheats on their partner is a bisexual. Only 95% of the gay community believes this, because they are better informed. Despite the fact that bisexuals are scientifically proven to be incapable of monogamy, they aren’t the only people who have affairs. Luckily, bisexuals can’t cross running water, so if you install a moat around your bisexual’s home, you can be certain that they’re being faithful.
It’s less commonly known that bisexuals are invisible. They walk amongst us undetected, and are only revealed in full moonlight. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who’s bi, be sure you tie a bell around their neck so that you know when they’re in the room, as you might otherwise experience a chill, and think you’re being haunted. Bifolk have been known to take advantage of their invisibility to both commit crimes and stop them.
Some people think that bisexuality is a way station on the road to coming out as fully gay, which simply isn’t true. When a person contracts bisexuality – usually through a bite in the neck or shoulder – occasionally, the elders of Q.U.E.E.R. (Queen’s Union of Eerily Erotic Rangers*) will be able to fight the scourge of bisexuality. Fortunately, the serums they’ve developed transmute bisexuality to homosexuality. Therefore, it’s conceivable that a straight person who’s been bitten by a bisexual can become gay, but only after the Q.U.E.E.R. treatment.
Due to their infectious bite and their invisibility, bisexuals are essentially the QUILTBAG community’s military arm, and the F.A.G. has been using them for years to aggressively recruit people. This is the most crucial part of the Gay Agenda†.
Working with the scientists at Q.U.E.E.R., they created a pill in the early ’90’s derived from bisexual venom that is soluble in alcohol. This neatly explains the drunk girls making out at college parties et al. that have become a staple of our culture. Sadly, the Gender and Sexuality Police have been known to issue citations for being B.U.I. (Bi Under the Influence – they’re not as good at acronyms).
There you have it, Gentle Reader – bisexuality in a nutshell. I hope we’ve all learned something today, and I hope that what we’ve learned is that bisexuals are secretly werewolves or something. Invisible venomous ninja bisexuwolves. You’re welcome.
* The Queen’s Union of Eerily Erotic Rangers was originally an English institution founded by Dr. Kinsey. Despite becoming an international cabal of highly respected queer scientists, they have made little progress in about 70 years. However, they do offer Science Ranger as a job title.
†Obviously that isn’t actually part of the gay agenda, because I would lose my license if I actually came out and told you. It’s called misdirection.