Have you ever started a new relationship, brimming with hope, with a brand new boyfriend who is utterly utter – who is better than every guy since Charlemagne, and the best thing since tinned unicorn meat, Gentle Reader?
And has that unimaginably wonderful specimen of humanity then invited you to the Theatre last Saturday, followed by your very first overnight adventure*? Well, then. If you’re
woefully insecure like me, you understand my abject terror.
Oh! I have some body-image issues. Hadn’t I mentioned? I’m bothered by all kinds of things – like my oily skin, the fact that I’m forced to have a corporeal body, and the existence of feet.
Well, clearly I had to do something before our big and fancy theatre date. And now, thanks to the power of social media, you can try these handy tips yourself!
Step 1: Conceal everything that is wrong with you for as long as possible.
No, not like that. Did you forget what site you were on? Do it properly – with elegance and panache:
You know what? Let’s skip this step.
Step 2: Force Artifice and Nature Into An Uneasy Alliance.
Sure, your cheekbones are charming, but they’re perpetually blotchy and red. Liberally spackle your face with your favorite concealer, realize that it’s at least six shades too pale, and scrub your face until it’s gone. Then, in a panic, go through your ordinary beauty routine, because it’s better than nothing, right?
Seriously, remember to shave, though, fellas†.
Step 3: Remember What You Looked Like The Night You Met Him And Realize That He Likes You Anyway.
Wait – is this called confidence? Be confident. Confidence is sexy, kids.
* No details, but I’ll remind you that I’m a lady, kittens.
†An actual beauty tip for fellas – straight up, for realsies: Stubble is sexy. Painful-Sandpaper-Face is not. The French discovered a compromise years ago, referred to as a barbe-a-trois-jours (The beard of three days). The idea is, if you’re not interested in growing a full beard, or you have established facial hair but there are bits you shave, you artfully arrange to shave three days before you see your sweetie, to be at maximal sexy-stubble and minimal scratchy-gross. It works. Depending on how your facial hair grows.