In Which We Take Exercise

Gentle Reader, I’ve been increasingly out of shape for the last year or so, and in accordance with the damned list, I have to do something about that. I mean, I want to be in better shape – I just want it to happen in a shower of pixiedust, or possibly a quick montage.


Pictured: My Ideal Workout

Despite the fact that I’m technically a Disney Princess, that’s unlikely to happen. Which brings us back to everyone’s favorite List.

The Task: Begin a workout regime. Stick to it.

The Execution: This is obviously still in progress, because it’s open ended. So, as I said, I’ve been getting out of shape – to the point where I went up a pant size for the first time since high school. I know that isn’t a huge deal compared to some people, but my body image has never been the greatest, and it’s just getting worse. Plus, as a heavy smoker for the last decade, I’m getting a trifle wheezy these days  – it wasn’t so bad when I was working in Concrete, or even later on, on the Farm – just now that I’m more sedentary. HOORAY!

So, I did a little inconclusive research about what the best beginning exercises would be, and was vexed. So on day one, I did fifty crunches and fifteen pushups? I then did my Deportment Exercise*, and had a twenty minute dance party†. This was the daily routine for week one.

Dance Party

Week two, I doubled down, with 100 assorted crunches and thirty push-ups per diem. The dance party part was also increased, to the point that instead of walking across the house for any reason, I was dancing.


And, except for a few days during week three when I was having adventures with Mr. Darling in a cabin in the woods, I’ve been pretty good about sticking to this routine. Except when I’m depressed or hungover or concentrating really hard on putting a book together. But I’ve been sticking to it most days. The dance-party part is the best bit, anyway.

The Verdict:  Well, I haven’t really been seeing any results, but I’m only a month or so into this. And it’s a bit of a pain, to be honest, but I need to do it. Besides, I have a boyfriend now and I’d like to be in better shape, because I’m weird about my body anyway. So meh? I also plan on swimming a fair bit this summer, so there’s that.


If you have suggestions for better exercises for beginners, or for things that have dramatic weight loss results, I’d love to hear what they are!


*Deportment is all about grace, posture, and moving elegantly. This particular exercise involves shifting the center of balance lower, imagining your spine as a strand of pearls, and having heavy elbows.

†If the dance party and discoball/disney imagery didn’t already make this exercise routine pretty gay, the fact that I was dancing to the soundtrack from Cole Porter’s Anything Goes ramps this up to at least a Kinsey Five, and it’s an exercise routine that can’t even have sexual experiences. 

About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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2 Responses to In Which We Take Exercise

  1. k says:

    Bicycle crunches!
    They’re better for your abs than regular crunches, and also less boring. Other than running or something, the only other thing I can think of is altering your diet, but that’s very general advice, considering that I have no idea what your diet consists of or how your body reacts to certain foods. I will say that I’ve never heard of anyone suffering from taking in less gluten, so maybe try that?

  2. batnette says:

    Walking is shockingly good for you. A short walk after dinner or even a long walk in the morning when it’s still cool is always a good thing.

    Keep going!!! You can totally do this and I will do it right along side of you! I want to lose 30lbs by my birthday in August but have zero motivation these days because depression is a lying mother fucker.


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