An Open Letter

As I swiftly approach my thirtieth birthday, I grow a little concerned, Gentle Reader. What beauty I possess is starting to feel the first flush of frost, and my prospects to improve my situation are a little bleak. In short, I feel afraid.

It was with this in mind that I went to jot down any skills I might have, and two things became perfectly clear.

  • I am a rather frail, delicate creature
  • I am clearly only suited to be a Victorian governess, or the spouse of a wealthy man.
Jane Eyre

My Resume

With this brave new direction in mind began the following open letter to the Darcys and Rochesters of the world. And I have no qualms about madwomen locked up in the attic, either, fellas. If you know of anyone whose interest would be piqued by the following missive, Gentle Reader, please send it their way.

Stephen Fry

Stephen Fry, for example.

Elegant Older Femme Seeks Security


While I am possessed of many skills that I feel benefit the world at large, my circumstances are such that they are not enough to bodily sustain me. However, I am certain that my talents are both diverting and useful, and I would be delighted to put them to good use. Therefore, I am seeking a position as a companion, a spouse, a governess, or an amanuensis, or some combination of those roles. 

I speak a little light French, I play both ukulele and piano, and given the budget, I decorate charmingly. I arrange flowers. I sketch and I paint. I sew or alter all of my own clothes, and I’ve been known to keep an eye on developing trends in both men’s and women’s fashions, which would come in handy if you were to revamp your wardrobe. I am exceedingly familiar with matters of deportment, etiquette, and poetry, and moderately competent at composition, literature, history, and mathematics. Should you have a child in need of aid in any of these subjects, I’m available to move in immediately. 

As a burgeoning writer, I’m a quick typist, and am used to correcting mistakes on the fly, as well as visions and revisions that a minute will reverse. I take direction well, am generally genial and demure, and would be thrilled to be in a creative environment where I could take dictation and endure other secretarial tasks.

I enjoy hosting lavish balls, as well as more intimate cocktail soirées, dinner parties, and musicales. If you’re the sort of businessman who needs to entertain clients, I would be a perfect helpmate. Not only do I enjoy the duties of hosting, I cook; French, Indian, Thai, Moroccan – my tastes are drawn from all over the world.  I can also declaim charmingly, should such a thing be required. I have also been known to keep track of and interact in three simultaneous conversations at once. Furthermore, my cocktails are legendary.

If any of this appeals, gentlemen, I can be immediately at your service – or, failing that, I would be ready to wed within a few months. No pre-nups.



About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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