As much as I’m loathe to admit it, Gentle Reader, there are times when it behooves one to try to pass for straight. At work, for example, depending on one’s workplace, or in the rural wilds where I make my home, or Bremerton. The list of places where it’s not quite safe to appear anything other than heterosexual is depressingly long and dreary. However, if you absolutely must venture into such a space, darling, I’ve got a few handy beauty secrets waiting for you*.
Step One: Divest yourself of all jewelry.
It’s true, Gentle Reader, that many straight fellas wear jewelry regularly, but if you’re anything like me it’s an entirely different type of jewelry, and anyhow you’re attempting to blend in insofar as that’s possible. Any jewelry worth wearing is a bit conspicuous, and you don’t want that. Limit yourself to a pair of small stud earrings at most. No pearls.
Step Two: Get Dirty.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that straight gentlemen are unconcerned with dirt. That doesn’t mean it’s true, Gentle Reader; it’s also a truth universally acknowledged that straight gentlemen are baffled by the existence of yogurt. For purposes of passing, though, we can make use of this ridiculous cultural myth. Rumple your clothes. Spill something on your pants. Find some dirt, then run your fingernails through it until the underside of the tips are unevenly darkish. Roll around in something you found in a ditch – bonus points if it’s dead!
Step Three: Ignore your hair, or spike it, or shave it all off.
As near as I can tell, those are the only three options for straight boy hair. You also may or may not wish to invest in a baseball cap – the team logo really doesn’t matter, as long as you know what strangers are talking about when they bring up the team you’re advertising for. GO SPORTS!
Also, on the subject of hair, grow some stubble. No more than three day’s worth, mind, but it shouldn’t be terribly kempt.
Step Four: Giant Sunglasses.
In my experience, last night’s eye-makeup is a dead giveaway, ruining the whole straight-boy disguise. Further, my eyes are pretty expressive; those treacherous orbs mean I can’t hide a single thing. The solution? Giant, opaque, sunglasses. Also? Try to look angry all the time. Like this:
And there you have it, Gentle Reader! Good luck out there passing as something you’re not!
*By you, I very specifically mean gay men who have to live in rural areas. I’m sorry, Gentle Reader – this particular beauty guide doesn’t really apply well to anyone else. Bon chance, though, if you give it a shot!