Have you been watching the news lately, Gentle Reader? Do you live in the U.S.A.? Are you preparing to meet with your relatives in the next several weeks for the holidays?
I’m so terribly sorry, darling; you need a cocktail.
Luckily, I’m here to spread some cheer, and some of my fabulous recipes from my personal collection for your winter enjoyment.
Buckle in, darlings; we’re going to get festive.
Auntie Mumsy’s White Russians*:
- More Vodka
Add Kahlua or discount coffee liqueur to glass. Pour it over ice if you must, you pantywaist. Add vodka. What? That’s it? Add more vodka. You can take it. Top off the glass with eggnog, and add some freshly ground nutmeg. GRIND IT FASTER, CHILD!
Whoops, I’m Sorry, Tyler
- The desire to sober up within the next fortnight.
- A hefty portion of Apple Pie liqueur, which – for your information – is made with Everclear. The real stuff. For full effect, store it in an empty apple cider jug.
- Vodka, as a mixer, in this case.
Attend a house party, and ask your friend who’s tending bar to mix you something light because you want to leave around midnight. Watch as he pours half a jigger of vodka into your glass and tops it with spiced apple cider. It’s smooth. Realize shortly that there’s no way you’ll be driving anywhere ever again†.
Fabulous Party Punch
- An enormous tub of rainbow sherbet.
- Various discount tropical juice cans, from concentrate
- Lots of Sparkling Lemon-Lime soda
Obtain your great-aunt’s sterling silver punch bowl. Dump two cans of juice concentrate into it. Think of how she’d cry.
Add the knock-off sprite, and stir rapidly, until the whole mess is sugary and bubbly. Add several scoops of sherbet, and be warned that it’s going to foam atrociously. Be also warned that it’s going to taste delicious and be extremely popular with guests. Be further warned that the foam is not the most appealing thing to look at. Do not look at your cup while you imbibe this sweet nectar.
Your Mother’s In The Hospital And Your Father’s Bedridden
- A Sympathetic Grandmother
- 18 Years Of Age
- A Generous Tot of Seagrams’s Seven Crown
- An Equal amount of Seven Up
- A Jealous Cousin Who’s Older Than You But Still Not Legal (optional)
Be suffering. Enter your Nanny’s home all alone on Christmas Eve for the first time in your life and feel like an orphan. It’s just the two of you; sit there in heavy silence for a while. Adjust your bow tie.
Eventually, politely inquire if your grandmother minds if you smoke (you’re old fashioned). Idealy, she’ll ash her cigarette and say yes, she minds, but she’s never been a hypocrite. She’ll then ask you, for the first time in your life, if you’d care to join her in a drink. Agree, obviously. Bond while she regales you with family gossip that you really shouldn’t be party to until you’re much older.
For an extra garnish, have your older cousin, who’s twenty, walk into the house while you’re drinking and smoking with your Nan. Have him be super jealous because he’s older than you and never got to have that experience with her. Add his tears to the glass†.
Madame DeLyte’s New Year’s Punch
- An entire bottle of St. Germain’s Elderflower Liqueur. Nothing else will do.
- One Magnum of champagne. Or sparkling wine. Or Cook’s. It’s a mixer, so whatevs.
- 375 millilitres of Rose’s Sweet Lime Cordial.
That silver punch bowl from earlier? Dump it out and wash it, cretin. Make sure you have a matching ladle.
Just before the clock ticks over to midnight, mix the punch. Add the St. Germain’s and the sweet lime, and fill with “champagne”.
Carrying the punchbowl and ladle, exit the building with an assistant, and don’t entirely close the door behind you – seriously, don’t let the latch catch.
On the stroke of twelve, kick your door in, singing Auld Lang Syne. Treat each guest individually to a dipper’s worth of your special punch as you make your way around the room.
It’s ridiculous and extravagant and indulgent, and your guests will treasure the memory.
Happy Holidays, Gentle Readers!
* This recipe is actually mine. I borrowed Auntie Mumsy’s name to make it seem quaint. Sorry, darling!
†These recipes are very nearly entirely based on true stories. Very nearly.