The Reverend Doctor’s Holiday Gift Guide

Gentle Reader, One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is the opportunity to select gifts for my loved ones. There’s just something magical about their faces when they open your carefully chosen offerings – a special sort of excitement that the two of you share.


No, Really! I love it!

But how do you choose the perfect gift? I’m so glad you asked, Gentle Reader.

1. Know What Your Gift Says

Your choice of gift speaks volumes about your relationship with the person you’re giving it to. It’s generally acknowledged that giving candles indicates you hardly know the person in question at all, but felt compelled to give them something. On the other hand, a gift of exciting new underwear betrays a certain intimacy, and certainly isn’t an appropriate gift for everyone.


Or possibly anyone.

If you find yourself having to give a gift to someone you don’t know well, go with something consumable. Wine’s a fine way to give someone something nice without knowing too many details. For your more intimate gift-giving – well, just stay away from anything with teeth.

2. Know Their Likes 

This should go without saying, Gentle Reader, but you should have some idea of what the person you’re shopping for actually likes, or cares about. Otherwise, stick with the hooch, as previously advised.

Actual Hooch

Assuming you know anything about them at all, this shouldn’t be too hard. Do they enjoy working on cars and also sparkly things? BOOM:


Or perhaps they like shiny things, and also cooking?

Bedazzled Mixer

Or smoking hookah with friends! Perhaps they like that.

Bedazzled Hookah

3. Know Their Loves

A truly good gift is something that the recipient wouldn’t ordinarily buy for themselves. Oh, and also that they would love. Don’t just get something they wouldn’t buy because they’d hate it.


I don’t even know what this is, frankly.

Instead, get something that they’d dearly love, that’s just a little extravagant or outside their means, that’ll brighten their world, like a fantastic new clutch.

Doll Purse

4. Know Your Limitations*

If all else fails, seek a different source of inspiration. Sit down with a bottle of wine and a box of crayons. Draw a picture of the person in question.

Now look at the picture and think about what would fit in it–why, with her hand like that it almost looks like she could be holding a vintage vase!


He definitely needs a new tie clip–the tie you drew is terribly woggy.

Theodore Roosevelt

YOU’VE NEGLECTED TO GIVE HIM EYEBROWS! A gift card to your favorite high-end makeup store is definitely the way to go!

No Eyebrows

And that should solve your difficulties at once.

Remember, being thoughtful is the watchword of the gift-buyer. Happy hunting!


*Many Thanks to Miss Emily Ward for helping me with this entry. Tip # 4 is entirely her doing, except for the drawings. Thanks, Nembo.

About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
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10 Responses to The Reverend Doctor’s Holiday Gift Guide

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