I’ve been as excited as gangbusters about this new List, Gentle Reader. Living life as performance art? Exploring precisely who and what I am? Heck to the yes, as the young folk say. Therefore:
The Task: Shave my head on the first of January, and then refrain from cutting it at all for the next 365 days*.
The Execution: Well, here’s a selfie of my charming New Year’s Eve look, just for comparison before we get a little crazy up in here.
So: deep breaths, Gentle Reader. We’re letting all that gorgeous hair – traditionally one of my best features – go. With that in mind:
Step One: Take Another Selfie
Step Two: Grab a hunk of hair, and the scissors. Cut. Repeat.
You want to get it fairly short, you see.
Step Three: Keep Cutting, until it’s short as blazes.
Um, this took a while. You’ll get the idea.
Step Four: Start with the razor. Realize your hair isn’t nearly short enough; resume the scissors. Take up the razor again and immediately cut yourself. Bleed profusely.
Step Five: Precisely Half of your head is shaved; realize you’ve made a Huge Mistake.
Step Six: Also, You’re In a Hypomanic State.
Step Seven: Whatevs; YOLO
Maybe this isn’t a huge mistake! And even if it is, shaving heads is something that human people do, and you’re just trying to experience the gamut of human everything. Also, you might desperately need to prove that you’re human with that haircut. Also, you can’t stop anyway because your bones are vibrating at too high a frequency. Carry on, soldier.
Step Eight: Run out of razors, and rummage through the trash to find some that aren’t entirely gummed up or rusty or disgusting otherwise. You’re desperate, because half your head is shaved haphazardly. Stop with the judging.
Step Nine: Get so very, very close. Have all your razors be dull, again. Even the ones from the trash.
Search the house. Ransack disused cupboards. Go into the Spider Room. Finally discover three single-blade Bics and one double-bladed lady-leg-razor in an interior pocket of a suitcase. Rejoice.
Step Ten: Finish the job. Realize that you look like you’re a Nazi scientist living on the moon.
Step Eleven: Fag it up a notch, because you don’t want to look like a skinhead.
And that’s all there is to it, Gentle Reader! That’s how one shaves one’s head.
Would I do this again? Oh hell no, honey. That’s just not on the table. I think I look alright, but it’s not a look I’d choose. Besides there are so many others who can make so much more of this kind of thing – Mr. Darling, for example,
Or, indeed, Waxie Moon.
But I like the idea, and my hair is already growing back, and in the meantime – well, an amateur haberdasher naturally has many hats just lying around. Lambkins, I’ll live. I’m glad I did this, but once is certainly enough.
* That is, I don’t intend to interfere with the length. I’m certainly going to have it styled, because I’m not a barbarian.