These aren’t your ordinary date ideas, Gentle Reader – oh, no. All of them are somewhat unique – and all of them are terrible. If you’ve been putting off a break-up because Valentine’s Day is around the corner, look no further: these dates are sure to do the dirty work for you. Some are creepy, and some seem downright cruel, but all of them will stand out in your sweetie’s memory. Good luck, Gentle Reader, and try not to get arrested!
1. Completely ignore your significant other for about a week and a half before Valentine’s Day. On the big day, break into their apartment and hide; when they get home, jump out and shout surprise! Be sure to have a knife handy for the cupcakes you brought.
2. Retreat to your underground bunker, and feast on things in tins! Afterward, make sure you inform your honey that the door only opens from the outside.
3. Return to the place where you first laid eyes on one another. Present your muffin with a charming handmade card, saying that you’ve reached a level of trust where you can finally admit to all your flaws – be sure to have written them all down in excruciating detail inside the card. When they’re done reading your exhaustive list, they should be ready to never lay eyes on you again!
4. Take your little cabbage to a romantic dinner at a restaurant. Hire a team of actors to portray the secret family you’ve been hiding in a different town. Bonus points if the actors are interrupted by the real secret family you’ve been hiding!
5. For Straight Guys Only: Take your lady out for the night, and spend a bunch of time messing around on your phone. Eventually, get up to go to the restroom, and leave your phone behind, where your date can discover you’ve spent the entire time chatting with guys on Grindr.
6. Have you and your partner been seeing each other for a ludicrously short amount of time? Why not propose this Valentine’s Day?
7. Drive your gosling down a long, winding dirt road, and leave them there. Tell yourself they’ll be happier with a nice family in the country, as you drive away. Tell your children they went to go live on a farm.
8. For Long-Term Partners: Role-Playing can add some freshness and spice to any relationship. Try pretending to be well-balanced individuals who actually like one another.
9. Introduce your lover to the mad spouse you’ve been keeping sedated in the attic! Bonus points if there’s arson!
No matter what you do this Valentine’s Day, Gentle Reader, I hope that its’ something that brings you or someone you love pleasure. Or at least gets you out of a tight spot. Good luck, kittens!