The Wearing – and the drinking – of the Green, Gentle Reader, is rather a serious matter in America*. People of all kinds of heritage – including those of English descent – are clamoring to show their Irish Pride. In the interest of Public Safety, therefore, I’ve crafted a special guide to help you navigate the most common green drinks you’ll encounter this St. Patrick’s Day.
Despite what you see in popular culture, Absinthe is a very classy drink that deserves to be treated with respect. If you’re the sort of person to binge-drink on St. Paddy’s Day, you’re 80% more likely to be the sort of person who lights absinthe on fire.
Don’t be that dude. Put the bottle down and question the life choices that brought you to this – and if I catch you taking a shot of it, I’ll smack you.
2. Crème de Menthe
Whether taken neat, as a shot, or in a mixed drink – you had better enjoy the taste of mouthwash, and also the taste of vomiting up mouthwash later. Unless you’re raiding your parent’s liquor cabinet, stay far, far away.
Midori is a fruity liqueur made chiefly from sickly-sweet lies. It nearly tastes as much of melon as Mountain Dew does. Acceptable as a Sour.
Oh, yes – what better way to celebrate your Gaelic heritage than by drinking something distilled by French Monks, you pretentious ass? Further, it was invented as a medicine, and therefore has no place in any celebration whatsoever.
Okay, so Jager isn’t green on its own, but it comes in a green bottle and you’re going to see lots of people drinking it on St. Paddy’s Day. Unless you’re under the age of 25 and/or actively living in a frat house, you should avoid Jagermeister at all costs. It’s tacky – that is, it’s viscous and sticky, as well as being tacky – that is, classless and in poor taste. If you do meet the qualifications to drink it, be sure that somebody has a camera nearby, because you’re getting black-out drunk.
6. Kale-Based Shake
Are we even trying, anymore? While I suppose this is a fine festive option for non-drinkers, Kale – while delicious – was never meant to be a beverage.
7. Green Beer
Even though it’s watered-down swill that can’t be sold the rest of the year, Green Beer is probably your best festive bet. Traditionally, at closing time on St. Patrick’s Eve, bartenders gather all the half-finished beers in the pub and lovingly dump them into a large copper vat. Using love and just a hint of old Irish magic known as food dye, they stir their special brew into a Celtic treat that’s perfect for the big day.
There you have it, Gentle Reader – good luck out there! Stick to the Guinness, or better yet, the Jameson, and try not to start too many fights!
*In Ireland, of course, there are far fewer Irish folk, and therefore they take St. Patrick’s Day less seriously.