Whether or not you’ve chosen to adopt the Easter Traditions I told you about on Tuesday, you’re just bound to encounter Eggs this Easter, Gentle Reader. They’re a symbol of Springtime, fertility – untapped potential waiting for its chance to leap forth all shiny and new. But how can you ensure that your dyed eggs are the envy of the neighborhood? By following my simple tips, darling.
1. Basic Batik Technique
Well, more or less. Use a white wax crayon to scrawl designs on your egg before dying it. For extra points, after it’s dry, melt off the wax and repeat the process in a different color!
2. Hot Glue
The whole dying thing is just super messy, and by following my tips, you’ve now gotten wax everywhere. Fuck! Clean it up and throw it all away. Instead, hot glue found objects to your eggs. You’ll end up with a unique piece that’s sure to please.
Um, did you burn yourself? I’m so terribly sorry, Reader! It’s part of the territory when it comes to hot glue, though – I assumed you knew that. You… don’t seem to be very crafty. Why not skip the decorating, and just use candy instead? Everybody loves Cadbury’s Creme Eggs!
They’re not using dairy milk in their chocolate anymore, though. Even in Britain. I’m sorry.
4. The Romanov Technique
Right. I know you’re disappointed, Reader. You wanted the most impressive eggs around, and I haven’t been much help thus far. I swear that this trick can make that happen – without you burning your fingers. Just make sure that you were born into the ruling family of Russia before the Bolshevik revolution, and the fanciest eggs extant can be yours!
5. If All Else Fails
So you’re not into crafts, candy, or breaking the laws of space and time? Well, they’re not for everyone. At this point, I have just one last surefire tip – fuck it. Use those plastic eggs and fill them with liquor – you’ve earned a drink, and you’re probably surrounded by disappointed children anyway. Happy Easter!