Madame DeLyte’s Guide To Egg Decoration

Whether or not you’ve chosen to adopt the Easter Traditions I told you about on Tuesday, you’re just bound to encounter Eggs this Easter, Gentle Reader. They’re a symbol of Springtime, fertility – untapped potential waiting for its chance to leap forth all shiny and new. But how can you ensure that your dyed eggs are the envy of the neighborhood? By following my simple tips, darling.

Sorbians Prepare For Easter

1. Basic Batik Technique

Well, more or less. Use a white wax crayon to scrawl designs on your egg before dying it. For extra points, after it’s dry, melt off the wax and repeat the process in a different color!

Wax Technique Batik Eggs

2. Hot Glue

Why Would You Hot Glue Shit On Easter Eggs

The whole dying thing is just super messy, and by following my tips, you’ve now gotten wax everywhere. Fuck! Clean it up and throw it all away. Instead, hot glue found objects to your eggs. You’ll end up with a unique piece that’s sure to please.

3. Candy

???????????????????????????????

Um, did you burn yourself? I’m so terribly sorry, Reader!  It’s part of the territory when it comes to hot glue, though – I assumed you knew that. You… don’t seem to be very crafty. Why not skip the decorating, and just use candy instead? Everybody loves Cadbury’s Creme Eggs!

They’re not using dairy milk in their chocolate anymore, though. Even in Britain. I’m sorry.

4. The Romanov Technique

Fanciest of Eggs

Right. I know you’re disappointed, Reader. You wanted the most impressive eggs around, and I haven’t been much help thus far. I swear that this trick can make that happen – without you burning your fingers. Just make sure that you were born into the ruling family of Russia before the Bolshevik revolution, and the fanciest eggs extant can be yours!

5. If All Else Fails

Easter Liquor Eggs

So you’re not into crafts, candy, or breaking the laws of space and time? Well, they’re not for everyone. At this point, I have just one last surefire tip – fuck it. Use those plastic eggs and fill them with liquor – you’ve earned a drink, and you’re probably surrounded by disappointed children anyway. Happy Easter!

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About Ty DeLyte

Madame DeLyte has suffered a grave disappointment - YET AGAIN - and still believes that freedom, beauty, and truth are what's valuable, rather than vulgar cash. He'd add love to that list - but, well, what can he say about love?
This entry was posted in Etiquette, Holiday Guide and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Madame DeLyte’s Guide To Egg Decoration

  1. Do you mean Pysanky eggs? Also, booze, lube and rubbers are so much fun to find in a plastic egg.

  2. Kistka is another word

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