Gentle Reader, my 30th birthday is precisely 10 days away. You may have noticed a recent obsession with that; I am, in fact, keenly feeling my mortality. How can I rig up a Dorian-Grey-Situation before it’s too late? This beauty guide reveals the results of my research into the matter.
Step One: Frantically Moisturize To Make Up For Lost Time.
By the time you start moisturizing regularly, you realize that you’re starting ten years too late. Slather yourself in the stuff morning and night, and twice after meals.
Step Two: Obtain A Collection of Masks.
Apart from the gallons of moisturizer you’re going through, you should have a dependable night mask to spackle on. This, of course, should go under the sleep mask that you have to wear now because the slightest thing will wake you up these days, and you don’t get enough sleep anymore, anyway. Both of these are entirely separate from your Day Mask, which should have the maximum SPF available by law. Fragile skin that rips in a stiff breeze will frequently go from ivory to crimson in 60 degree weather, so it’s best to be prepared.
Step Three: Speaking of Sunburns – Never, Under Any Circumstances, Expose Yourself To The Sun.
Seriously. Don’t do it. If you must leave the house during daylight hours for some ghastly reason, fetch your big hats, your scarves, long sleeves – fetch your hangover-sized sunglasses. Wrap yourself up like a combination of Morticia and Little Edie, and show as little skin as possible. Why should you go to all this trouble?
Wrinkles. Not only will the sun burn you, it shrivels up your skin like decaying fruit. Fortunately, by avoiding it at all costs, both sunburn and wrinkles can be soothed with a lemon-juice and water treatment that I may have mentioned before. You should treat your face with it twice daily, to tighten the skin.
Step Four: Dye Your Hair
As a list item, I’ve begun coloring my hair with Henna and red wine. This neatly accentuates my natural hair color, while covering the increasingly present grey at my temples. This gives added youth and vitality and means that I don’t have to hide if I see someone I know walking towards me in the grocery store.
There you have it, Gentle Reader! Your very own recipe direct from the fountain of youth – now, if only it worked, I could continue to look this swell well into my late nineties.