By the time you’re of an age to be in a position where you can afford to buy your mother a gift that isn’t made from macaroni, it’s a decent bet that she’s of an age to be able to go out and get herself whatever you’d have gotten her as a gift. Even in less affluent families, Gentle Reader, the mother of grown children generally has her wants and needs nailed down, to the point where finding a gift that she’d genuinely enjoy is exhausting. That’s why I’ve put together this definitive guide to satisfy your Mother’s Day needs.
1. Flowers: What woman doesn’t enjoy flowers? Women who aren’t chained to your hidebound notions of performative gender, that’s who. You know your mother better than I do, presumably, so if you think she’d enjoy flowers, then by all means get them for her. Just don’t get flowers and expect her to enjoy them simply because she’s a woman.
Incidentally, flowers are great as hostess gifts or on dates, but as a gift gift? They’re a classier version of candles. Flowers say you didn’t know what to get. It’s a nice gesture, though – as long as they don’t stand alone.
2. Jewelry: The jewelry stores, on every major holiday, remind us that they have a hell of a lot of expensive rocks looking for a forever-home. Despite the pressure of the Diamond Lobby to get you to condone their loathsome practices, women of a certain age have already developed their sense of style and their tastes; your mother wouldn’t necessarily want to be obliged to wear a tangible reminder of human suffering.
3. Candles: Look, kid – I covered this already. Unless your mother’s practically a stranger, candles are a thoughtless gift*.
4. Bath Salts: That goes for bath salts, too.
Unless they’re the other kind of bath salts, and she’s really into doing the scary kind of drugs. That’d be thoughtful, in that case – it’s just that it’s terribly irresponsible of you. Please don’t give your mother drugs.
5. Something At Least Tangentially Related To Her Hobbies Or Interests: Does your mother knit? Get her a nice set of needles. Is she a bar fly, or a weekend lumberjack? Get her some bourbon, or a chainsaw! Perhaps both! The possibilities are limitless, and if you pick your gift correctly, you can prove that you’re actually listening when she’s rambling endlessly on the phone.
6. Time: Whether she wants a day all to herself (to dye her hair and read romance novels) or if she wants to spend time with you, you can make that happen for her. Buy everyone in the house a ticket to the movies so they’ll leave the poor woman alone! Alternatively, you can take her out – someplace
that doesn’t involve doing drugs that she’ll enjoy.
No matter what you end up getting her, try to make your Mama smile this Mother’s Day.
*Seriously. Candles? For the one who kept you alive until adulthood? You can do better than that.